You want something practical and specific? Well here it is:
 
Wait till they’re in the room before you talk about them.  No matter how critical the situation may be, the only way it’s going to get better (whatever it is) is to say it with them to their face.  Don’t email it or leave it in a message and definitely don’t let it trickle back around to them through gossip or idle talk.  These are just ways of avoiding the confrontation and having the conversation, and it doesn’t foster or enhance a relationship, but rather comes across as a cop out or a cheap shot.

And after you’ve said what you need to say, ask them what they think and how the both of you could work to make it better.  Then shut up and really listen.  LISTEN!  No, don’t interrupt and once again try to prove that you’re right.  Making yourself right and them wrong will do absolutely nothing positive for the situation and will probably end up taking more time and energy in the long run.  And really, do any of us have extra time and energy to waste doing things not worth doing?
 
So, what are you thinking? That maybe, a little gossip doesn’t hurt anyone? That it’s harmless?  Or maybe you feel better after you complain and get it off your chest?  One of the wisest people I know suggested to me that perhaps the most effective communication we can engage in, especially in moments of great emotion, is just to say nothing. 

What a revolutionary idea.  How about a modest goal to start?  A day of trying to only speak kind words and make a conscious effort to shut up and listen.  Swallow the judgment and the criticism and the complaining, especially if the source of your frustration and derision is not there with you in the room. Have those hard conversations but have them with the right people, in the right context, at the right time. 
 
Naïve? Idealistic? Maybe… but what’s the worst that could happen? What’s the best?  
 
Don’t think you can do it?  That’s just sad.  And scary...

I was invited recently to speak to a group of non-profit professionals at their retreat about how to better connect with their volunteers. I came with a different point of view than they may have expected. If you have a few minutes (40 to be exact), take a look at what I had to say. (Btw I gave the speech out in the middle of Malibu Canyon, thus the feeble attempts to swat away the various flying insects. They eventually lost interest in my topic and flew away.)

Drew Kugler JCPSC Conference Keynote from Shira Liff-Grieff on Vimeo.